Greet expectations

It was so much simpler during lockdown. I admit that is a bold, contentious assertion and not one that would stand up to much cross-examination.

Social distancing was a huge imposition on the lives on all of us but there was, I would argue, one tangible benefit - being freed from the embarrassing clutches of the awkward social greeting.

It is not something I have ever convincingly mastered. There are a handful of people, if that is an appropriate term, who I can greet without too much unease. A few, even, with whom I can deploy a leisure-style hug, though there remains the to-me-to-you doubt over which side to take.

Principally, with acquaintances of a similar vintage, I can quite happily opt for the traditional, assertive, no frills handshake. Even that's not guaranteed to be incident free. Not having thoroughly dried your hands after a toilet stop (yes you did wash them) provides an awkward moment as your “greetee” reaches out. As for any debate over clammy hand issues, let’s withdraw.

And yet I watch in awe at how a younger generation of men deploy the hug/handshake combo that looks to me flamboyantly edgy.

Teenage boys of my era would have recoiled in horror at such physical contact. We rarely even shared the same pavement space without a slight sense of distaste.

The stage-managed handshake has long been a marker of key moments in history. Gorbachev and Reagan, the Queen and Martin McGuinness, Trump and Kim Jong Un. The meeting of digits if not minds.

But for us lesser mortals the lack of choreography breeds uncertainty. Who does what to who? Someone you know heads your way and there has to be a snap decision. A quick raid of the memory bank to recall what happened last time and then perhaps an awkward stand-off, as the available options cancel each other out.

Crossing the generational divide provides added stress.

How should a near 59-year-old (this is a hypothetical age) greet a, say, 29 year old?

With a handshake, hug, fist-bump, elbow tap - or hokey cokey? And that really is what it’s all about.

Too many options. No sense of order.

Like drivers on a busy junction with all the markings removed and a much increased risk of collision.

Under lockdown, the rules of the road were reassuringly clear. Keep your distance at all times. We at least knew where we were.

There were admittedly exceptions that proved the fool. Love-smitten English health secretary Matt Hancock displayed his own brand of spatial awareness in that self-confessed faux pas with Gina Coladangelo behind the office door. They certainly knew where they were.

“Is that a WhatsApp in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?”

*Note, serving as I have at the altar of BBC impartiality, I must stress the use of the word “fool” here relates solely to that infamous office clinch and not a wider observation. Who do you think I am? Gary Lineker?

For most of us though, there was no longer a decision that needed to be made.

“I would give you a backslap, hug, piggy-back but, hey, those damned lockdown rules.” And for people like me, it provided much-needed predictability.

To be clear, I am not as cold a fish as all this might sound and like the rest of us, missed the comforting embrace of loved ones in those hazy, crazy days of lockdown.

And what parent wouldn’t cherish the hand-holding of a trusting child? It always struck me that there would be a moment when my son or daughter would no longer want or need to place their hand in mine. It would occasionally cross my mind as we crossed the road for the school drop off. Then the day comes when it happens for the last time. Nobody knows it there and then. But it happens. And then doesn’t.

But that’s fine and entirely natural and if as time moves on my dodgy knee needs a bit of extra support, I may be the one looking for the steadying hand.

As for my wider acquaintances, I continue on a learning curve, trying to keep up with the evolving rules of engagement. So if you see me heading your way, get ready. My confused appearance may be a consequence of some mental somersaults as I draw near. Whether it’s a polite nod or something more extravagant, I’ll be trying to select a move from a limited range.

Then let’s do deal about future encounters. High fives to that.